Fear of the dark
Eventually I somehow gathered all my strength and repeatedly commanded my brain to start moving my arms and legs, to start running. I had to try several times before I managed to break free from the paralyzing terror that had taken control of me.
We have a Latin word for it, of course: achluophobia. It's that adrenaline rush we experience, whether as children or adults, after turning off the light in an unfamiliar place. When we go to bed thinking that as soon as we turn off the light another world opens up before our eyes, a world in which shadows dance with each other, red eyes burn from the wardrobe or strange sounds disturb the peace of our mind. You might think that being afraid of the dark is a child's thing, a grown-up person doesn't deal with that, you'd be surprised how much can happen that can make you unable to sleep in the dark anymore. After trauma, after a scary or shocking experience, if you've met spiritual beings, if you've been attacked, after grief. Lots of things trigger fear of the dark and of course there are those people who have always been terrified as soon as someone turns off the light.
As a kid, the most depressing thing in the world is that no one believes you and takes you seriously. Just because someone is a kid doesn't mean they don't say serious things or have problems that need to be taken seriously. I was a quiet kid, I never really talked to anyone about these things, I could see there was no capacity. I don't know exactly how long I've been afraid of the dark, but I do know that one of my earliest memories was waking up in the middle of the night to something pulling me off the bed and dragging me under, violently, tightly, in the dark. There he was panting , holding my legs and out of shape. Clearly the human brain immediately locks up and ceases all forms of perception. You are sucked in by the darkness and there is nothing but the airless dark around you and that thing that looks exactly like something that would be portrayed in horror movies as a demon or a boogeyman.
And that's where I questioned my own state of mind as a child. I grabbed the floor and knocked on it to know that I was really on the ground now and not in a dream. Then I pinched my own arm, checking that I was not really dreaming and feeling pain. I tried to catch my breath, but the air around me was frozen and terror had completely taken over my mind.
There at that moment life seemed dark, whatever entity was attacking me was almost sucking the happiness out of me, all around me was fear, terror and hopelessness.
Eventually I somehow gathered all my strength and repeatedly commanded my brain to start moving my arms and legs, to start running. I had to try several times before I managed to break free from the paralyzing terror that had taken control of me. I kicked one under the bed, right into the gap where my leg was caught in the "darkness". And in that moment it was gone. In that moment I could breathe again and although I was still frozen with terror, the air started to move again, the thing was gone. Then it came back the next night. I was lying facing the wall, trying to concentrate on sleep and not think about that thing, when I heard sharp, labored and completely non-human breathing coming from the stairs. I curled up on the bed, pulled the duvet over my head and tried to lull myself to sleep. The same darkness fell over me as before, a frozen terror. It was the kind of darkness that takes control not only outside but also inside. As it came closer and closer to me, I knew it would not just go away, I had to get out from under the duvet and somehow drive it away. Every muscle in my body froze, I couldn't blink, my breathing became more like gasping. At that moment, the thing grabbed my head through the blanket and started panting more and more violently. I knew I had to act now, because whatever was coming next was not going to be pleasant. I tried again to regain control of my body as my lungs tensed and gasped for air. I pulled the duvet off and looked straight into the darkness. Into the darkness. Angry, panicked, frustrated, confused, I just stared into the darkness and waited for the attack. There I did stand on my heels and say: get out of here whatever you are!
Though I have since got rid of the entity, needless to say, these visits have only multiplied over the years and I have encountered many shades of darkness...well, many shades of black. I still sleep with a night light. I found out that they don't like light and sleeping with a lamp minimizes the attacks, so I've been sleeping with a night light for 25 years now.As a child, now, and I think forever.You can call it a phobia, you can say they were hallucinations triggered by stress but I was there.It was the reality of every moment frozen with fear, the reality of not being able to breathe for fear.It was really trying to drag me under the bed. After such an experience, something happens to one's perception, one's sense of security.Something warps in your mind that you can never restore to its original state.When I go on holiday or stay in a guest house, the first thing I always check is where there is room for a night light and how far the door is so I can get out if there is a problem.You can call it what you like, but if you experience what I experience you will be scared of the dark.I've been sleeping with a light on for a very long time, so I somewhat thought the problem had gone away, as there hadn't been any attacks in years.Yesterday the power went out, just for two minutes, of course my survival instinct immediately reached for my mobile phone.And in that moment something happened....Panic, despair, the darkness around me started to collapse.I knew I knew this feeling , but it took a few seconds for my brain to identify the memory that this terror and fear of this kind and intensity was associated with, and I saw it in the darkness.The same thing was standing there in the darkness across from me after 20 years, staring at me through the darkness as if we had just parted yesterday.
The same feeling, the same breathless darkness and panic.
I had to realize that everything was the same as it was as a child, I just got used to sleeping with the light on so I slowly came to believe that there really was nothing in the dark. There is something in the dark, there is something ageless and sinister. It is stalking.
